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No Man Is An Island

This whole college thing- it’s pretty cool.

I have dealt with so many changes in environment, and most of the time it was the same thing: feeling lost for a while, not knowing anyone, and being a little sad about the fact that everyone else felt comfortable while I was just so in the middle of things and confused about everything. Then I would still feel lost (as I always do), but I would get used to the environment, used to the people, and used to the feeling of being confused all the time.

However, this is different. This reminds me of only one other time in my life when a change in environment was not accompanied by those feeling of disorientation, loneliness, and confusion: when I began high school at Lourdes for the first time.

As much as I absolutely hated being in that school for my junior year, I loved it more than anything when I began there as a freshman. Granted, it was not even very much of a change in environment, but it was the greatest change I had ever known until that point in time. I will also admit that I am a little ashamed of how I acted back then. I was so horribly obnoxious, and I was not nice to everyone. Well, I am still not nice to everyone, but I was a real bitch in ways that I am not proud of. I hate ending sentences with prepositions. But that’s okay. I will leave that for now.

Anyway, I feel a lot now like I did back then (sans the obnoxious bitchiness). I think it’s because my peers and I are all going through the same things. I think when you’re going through a change with other people, it makes us feel a lot safer, and a lot more usual. It helps knowing that that dude next to me right now probably knows how I feel, and he probably misses his own shower, too.

There are over 5,500 students in the U of M Class of 2016, so there are plenty of students who are feeling homesick right now. I am not one of them, and I’m not sure what that says about me or my family, but there are a few things I miss from NY. I miss being around my brothers. I mean, I don’t really miss them, I just miss being around them. As much as I would like to rip their heads off sometimes, they are the only two people in the world who have shared the most experiences with me, and even if I wish they weren’t there half of the time, we are still family. I don’t really miss my parents so much. I think it’s just because I email them a lot, and I am still on the freshly released high of having no authority around. I will miss them, though. I think more than anything, however, I am really proud of them. I just see how ill-adjusted so many of my peers are, and I thank my lucky stars that I have the kind of parents who always tried to do right by me, and who made sure that I would be well-adjusted that I would know how to handle myself. I know that loads of other parents try to do this but fail, so I am proud of my parents for making me awesome. Well done, you guys. I’m awesome, and it’s all thanks to you.

My first official class begins in 15 minutes, so I am going to get excited for this because I heard the class is a bitch.

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SMFS #5

My father: One day, when I am all alone, all of my shit will be organized. I may be in the looney bin but at least I will be organized.

Sam: They don’t let you have any of your own things in the looney bin.
My father: That’s okay. At least it will be organized.
Sam: There are two kinds of people in the world: people who say that they pee in the shower, and liars.
Sam: Can I try out for the team? WHY NOT? I probably won’t make it, but on the off chance that they are blind to talent, I will be coached by D I coaches! … Okay fine, so I just want to join the team to get the pinny and the sticker for my helmet.

My Not Accepting The Fact That I Am Stuck In The Suburbs

So…I went to Long Island a week ago. You know, when I was younger, I thought it was called “Long Island” because it took so long to get there. Yeah…I also wanted to be an accountant, although I had no idea what an accountant was. And I also thought that if I scuffed my footprints in the snow, witches wouldn’t be able to scan the make and model of my shoes and trace them to me, and then they wouldn’t be able to find me at night. I was such a sensible child. What the hell happened?

Mike and I took the train down on Tuesday morning, and I L.O.V.E. taking the train. I really like doing things on my own, being independent. Living in the suburbs really stifles my sense of independence. On the train, I feel so much freer, and like I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. If I wanted to run away, I could. Lately, I have been fantasizing about running away more often than usual because I am trapped. Seriously- I always thought it would be so cool to run away, and just be on my own. With nothing and no one, and to just roam around the world. Honestly, the only thing stopping me is money. If I had enough money I would totally run away. Obviously, I wouldn’t just up and go, but if I had enough money I would just be like, “Alright, everyone. I’m leaving. Goodbye…”, and go. It would be awesome, just to be able to be in the planet and to exist under the radar somewhere, where nobody knows you, and nobody will know you. To be anonymous…incognito. Alone, and content with being alone. Or, maybe not even alone, but somewhere else where the only people who know you are those who you want to know you. Here … here everyone feels entitled to knowing everything about everyone else. Like, why do you need to know? That sounded wrong…that’s not what I mean. Come, why is knowing this information important to you? I would love so much more to live in a place where everyone is okay with not knowing everything. Per esempio, a huge city. Whether you are a lunatic roaming around NYC, or if you just returned from Switzerland (or both), people still don’t care, because it is none of their business, and they couldn’t be bothered. It’s none of their business, and they don’t mind that. I like that a lot. I don’t like being in places where people feel they should know everything. HA- oops ! I shouldn’t be in an American high school, then. But, yep…we took the train to Long Island. It was nice to be there. I went to the beach with a friend, tried a few spinning classes, went to the movies a few times, and spent time with my relatives. It was nice to be somewhere other than my house…or the Hudson Valley, for that matter.
Then on Saturday I went camping with Mr. Zeigler and Sarah, and it was a good time. It rained almost the entire trip, but it was still fun. We eventually were able to use the bikes, and it was really nice to be on a bicycle again =] . I just returned this afternoon, and then I went to get my nails done with my mom, and then we went to buy a few groceries, and then I drove the minivan. I shudder when I say that word: minivan. **shudder** hahaaa. But I did pretty well. I drove around the UMS and Vale Farm parking lots and then I drove home. I even backed into some parking spots (given, if there were any car in the surrounding parking spots, they would be scrap metal by now hahaaa).

I was just wondering why the drinking age is 21. I mean, it seems a little ridiculous to me. Hahaa…whenever I do something stupid or act irresponsibly (which is a little too often than it should be), my dad always says how back in the day, I would have children by this age. And that got me thinking…if we, the younger population, were given more freedoms at an earlier age, would we be more responsible about them, and then as a result be more responsible in other areas of life? Like, if the drinking age were lowered to 16, would … I can’t finish that thought.
I suppose I mean that if we were given more freedoms, then I guess all of that “teenage angst” wouldn’t exist, because teenagers would have anything to be all angsty (ahahaa I like that word, wait… according to MS Word it isn’t a word. whatever.) about. So, if there was nothing to be all angry and loser-ish about, then expectations of teenagers could be a little more. Seriously, what is expected of us in general? Do well in school, be nice, don’t do drugs, don’t get pregnant. Ooooooh. I’m shakin in my boots. I’d like to think that the majority of us are capable of a little bit more than that, and that these are the years during which we could achieve quite a lot considering someone else is usually paying for our basic expenses.

This is my twisted rational behind why I am not supposed to be here, and why I belong in Switzerland, by the way. And, yes, I am still hung up on being angry that I am not in Lugano. And, yes, I plan on staying that way until I am happy here.

(from a random website…)
1-Denial-“this can’t be happening to me”, looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-“why me?”, feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn’t leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

I don’t know where I am…but it’s somewhere between 2 and 4. YES, I am serious.

In the meantime…

Okay, so I litchrelly (haha Sina) have two more days of classes!!! In exactly 6 days, I will never EVER have to go to school until Spetember 7, 2009. AHHH!!!

Buttttt, I keep having to remind myself that until I can do that, I need to take and ace five finals and an Italian oral. So, in the meantime, I decided to enjoy what I have while I have it and focus on the good things about Tasis. And I was provided with the perfect oppurtunities to do so.

So, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, we have this thing called Advisor for 25 minutes between our first two classes. We go and meet with a group of kids (Me, Sina, Vicky, Andrea, Elisa, Franz, Joche, Bobo, Redy, and Alessandro) and our advisor, who is a teacher. I have two advisors- Mr. and Mrs. Bendel. Mr. Bendel is the Dean of Student Affairs and Mrs. Bendel is my HALE teacher. Also, every Wednesday we have advisor dinner, which is when our advisor group meets and we have dinner together. Mr. and Mrs. Bendel usually have dinner at their house, but most groups have it in De Nobili.

So, over spring break Mr. and Mrs. Bendel moved even CLOSER to the school than they already were, and they kept talking about having advisor meetings at their house. I was walking to De Nobili for advisor this morning, and I saw Sina and she told me that we were meeting at their house for breakfast! So we walked there, and Mr. and Mrs. Bendel made us bluberry waffles, chocolate and nutella pancakes, and smoothies. Then we watched the cupid shuffle from assembly yesterday and it was really nice. The best part was that almost half of us had HALE next with Mrs. Bendel, so she let us just hang there for a while since she was going to be late to class anyway. Me, Sina, Vicky, and Andrea all took like 3 smoothies to HALE class, and me and Sina decided that we would definitely add coconut to the banana ones next time. It was lots of fun.

Then after school today, my art class went to Mrs. Kasdorf’s house for a teaparty! Mrs. K was going to have to miss our last class on Friday because she’s pregnant and she has a doctor’s appointment, and she felt bad so she had us all over. Oh yeah, but there’s only four of us plus Ms. Madjzoub. It’s me, Sina, Sam, and Eugenia. It’s alot of fun because we’re such a small class, and we’ve all become friends because we never shut up during art class. Ms. K actually has to seperate us so we get some work done =0.

Yeah, so we all met at Ca Gioa after school and we walked to Mrs. K’s house. We weren’t exactly sure which house was hers because we hadn’t been there before, but Eugenia just rang the doorbell and Ms. Madjzoub answered. Her house is like soooooo cool! Her building is a really nice rusty orange, and all their shutters are lime green! They have a nice stone patio with the little arch thingy like we had in Italy, and they have an even better view than we do. She made tea and crepes with all sorts of stuff to put in them (i.e. strawberries, raspberries, whipped cream, nutella, bananas, honey,…) , and she had dried mango. It was some goooood dried mango. Then she FINALLY shoed us the children’s books she wrote and illustrated, and they are so cool!! I would totally read those to my kids!! Yeah, so it was really nice. On the way back we hung out on the red bench and just talked and tooke pictures and stuff.

See? These are some of the reasons I want to live here. It’s times like these that make everything worth while =]

2 days of classes
5 finals
16 days until ireland
27 days til new yorkkkkk