So…I went to Long Island a week ago. You know, when I was younger, I thought it was called “Long Island” because it took so long to get there. Yeah…I also wanted to be an accountant, although I had no idea what an accountant was. And I also thought that if I scuffed my footprints in the snow, witches wouldn’t be able to scan the make and model of my shoes and trace them to me, and then they wouldn’t be able to find me at night. I was such a sensible child. What the hell happened?
Mike and I took the train down on Tuesday morning, and I L.O.V.E. taking the train. I really like doing things on my own, being independent. Living in the suburbs really stifles my sense of independence. On the train, I feel so much freer, and like I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. If I wanted to run away, I could. Lately, I have been fantasizing about running away more often than usual because I am trapped. Seriously- I always thought it would be so cool to run away, and just be on my own. With nothing and no one, and to just roam around the world. Honestly, the only thing stopping me is money. If I had enough money I would totally run away. Obviously, I wouldn’t just up and go, but if I had enough money I would just be like, “Alright, everyone. I’m leaving. Goodbye…”, and go. It would be awesome, just to be able to be in the planet and to exist under the radar somewhere, where nobody knows you, and nobody will know you. To be anonymous…incognito. Alone, and content with being alone. Or, maybe not even alone, but somewhere else where the only people who know you are those who you want to know you. Here … here everyone feels entitled to knowing everything about everyone else. Like, why do you need to know? That sounded wrong…that’s not what I mean. Come, why is knowing this information important to you? I would love so much more to live in a place where everyone is okay with not knowing everything. Per esempio, a huge city. Whether you are a lunatic roaming around NYC, or if you just returned from Switzerland (or both), people still don’t care, because it is none of their business, and they couldn’t be bothered. It’s none of their business, and they don’t mind that. I like that a lot. I don’t like being in places where people feel they should know everything. HA- oops ! I shouldn’t be in an American high school, then. But, yep…we took the train to Long Island. It was nice to be there. I went to the beach with a friend, tried a few spinning classes, went to the movies a few times, and spent time with my relatives. It was nice to be somewhere other than my house…or the Hudson Valley, for that matter.
Then on Saturday I went camping with Mr. Zeigler and Sarah, and it was a good time. It rained almost the entire trip, but it was still fun. We eventually were able to use the bikes, and it was really nice to be on a bicycle again =] . I just returned this afternoon, and then I went to get my nails done with my mom, and then we went to buy a few groceries, and then I drove the minivan. I shudder when I say that word: minivan. **shudder** hahaaa. But I did pretty well. I drove around the UMS and Vale Farm parking lots and then I drove home. I even backed into some parking spots (given, if there were any car in the surrounding parking spots, they would be scrap metal by now hahaaa).
I was just wondering why the drinking age is 21. I mean, it seems a little ridiculous to me. Hahaa…whenever I do something stupid or act irresponsibly (which is a little too often than it should be), my dad always says how back in the day, I would have children by this age. And that got me thinking…if we, the younger population, were given more freedoms at an earlier age, would we be more responsible about them, and then as a result be more responsible in other areas of life? Like, if the drinking age were lowered to 16, would … I can’t finish that thought.
I suppose I mean that if we were given more freedoms, then I guess all of that “teenage angst” wouldn’t exist, because teenagers would have anything to be all angsty (ahahaa I like that word, wait… according to MS Word it isn’t a word. whatever.) about. So, if there was nothing to be all angry and loser-ish about, then expectations of teenagers could be a little more. Seriously, what is expected of us in general? Do well in school, be nice, don’t do drugs, don’t get pregnant. Ooooooh. I’m shakin in my boots. I’d like to think that the majority of us are capable of a little bit more than that, and that these are the years during which we could achieve quite a lot considering someone else is usually paying for our basic expenses.
This is my twisted rational behind why I am not supposed to be here, and why I belong in Switzerland, by the way. And, yes, I am still hung up on being angry that I am not in Lugano. And, yes, I plan on staying that way until I am happy here.
(from a random website…)
1-Denial-“this can’t be happening to me”, looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-“why me?”, feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn’t leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
I don’t know where I am…but it’s somewhere between 2 and 4. YES, I am serious.