Tag Archives: thoughts

I don’t care, I love it.

-The happier you are with your own decisions, the less you need everyone else to be happy for you.-

I legitimately have like 5 posts that are nearly done but not quite there yet, and I am writing yet another. I don’t finish things. It’s what I don’t do.

However, this one should be quick. I have seen several different posts on Facebook and other sites I follow that all had the same message: dress for your body. And I’m here to tell everyone to shut. the fuck. up.

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I firmly believe that skinny jeans are titled as such for a reason, and belly shirts are for those who don’t have one. And I will judge you for not dressing for your body, as will the rest of the planet. But do you know what? That doesn’t matter. At all.

I’m not saying that I think everyone should walk around in bodycon dresses, but I’m saying that if you want to, go for it. Seriously do it. Lots of people might not like it, and if you care about what lots of people think, then you probably shouldn’t dress like that. But if you actually don’t care what everyone thinks, and you feel sexy and awesome in that really really tight skirt that leaves so, so little to the imagination, then wear the hell out of it and be awesome doing it.

I wore pleather pants. Pleather. Pants. And they did not look like pleather pants should look (but I mean really…they shouldn’t even be a thing). Once on my body, they resembled something that you see washed up on the shore and you’re like “Oh that poor seal was mauled by a motor boat. Sad.” But guess what? The second I put them on, I FELT SO COOL. I was wearing pleather! On my ass! Not because I thought anyone would look at dat ass and be like “Get me summa dat,” but because I just loved how I felt in them.

My point is that we all have to stop caring about everyone else’s opinion of what we should do. My mom hates that I’m always telling her how I think she should do things, but what I never understood is why she doesn’t just ignore me and do it her way if she thinks her way is better, or listen to me and do it my way if she agrees with me. Wars have been fought over this concept, and I’m not just talking about the ones in my kitchen. I am a pro at ignoring advice and instruction because I think I know better, but guess what? I also usually know when to listen and take good advice when I need it. For the sake of my argument here, let’s focus on the ignoring part.

If I think your makeup looks like you took a nose-dive into some watercolors and called it gorgeous, but you love it, you do you. If dem bitches are snickering because they think you look like a blob of cottage cheese contained into a hot pink triangle bikini but you feel awesome, then just do it. Most people won’t be happy with themselves when other people find them unattractive, and I get that. We all want to be considered attractive by literally everyone. But I also know what it feels like to be giving absolutely zero fucks about what everyone is thinking about you and to feel absolutely content with yourself, and everyone should own that feeling 100% of the time.

Relying on other people’s approval to determine your happiness with yourself just doesn’t even make sense as a sentence. It it literally illogical. To be truly happy with yourself because you love what you are is to have won. It is #winning. To love the human that you are constantly creating is #winning. Once you’re happy with yourself, all of a sudden other people’s opinions of your life, your body, and your goals start to matter less and less. If you can get to the point where you’re just like, “Bro I am going to wear this tube top and I’m going to love it,” then do that and love it and don’t listen to anyone else.

When I got the wrist tattoo, I heard lots of opinions. The only honest ones were my best friends who get it and love it, and all other negative opinions. Anyone else who said they liked it lied, because how could you seriously like that if you don’t completely understand it? When I started hearing all of the negative opinions, the comments didn’t even register with me. If I actually cared about what you thought of it, I would have asked you before I had it permanently inked onto my body forever. Every time I’m arguing or just messing around with Michael, he always gets to the point of, “Yeah well you have “through” tattooed on you so I win because you’re stupid.” Which is valid, but I love that he always says that because that means he knows that I don’t care about his opinion. If he thought telling me that something I had tattooed onto my body was a bad idea would send me into a tearful regret, he wouldn’t say it. But he literally ends every single argument with that, and it warms my heart. My brother calling me stupid warms my heart.

So that’s what I think about all of this. I’m not saying that anyone should listen to me or take this too seriously, but if you get anything at all from this, I’d like it to be that once you love who you are and who you are making yourself to be, the rest will all fall into place regardless of what anyone else tells you. Honestly though, I just wanted to stick up for the bitches that don’t give a damn. Cheers to that.

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18 Things of June

1 I started watching The Walking Dead and I am currently on Season 3, Episode 12. It’s actually kind of awesome and Daryl is my hero.

2 I delayed progress on my online classes a little too much, and this week is going to be SO FUN because I’ll get to play catch up and read a lot. Yay. So fun.

3 I kayaked most of the Hudson River. The plan was to finish it, but that didn’t happen because of weather and sickness. We’re definitely going to finish by the end of the summer, but we have to see when will work for both of us. Technically we have paddled over 150 miles this summer, it just wasn’t on the actual length of the river. Oh well.

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In the middle of the Newburgh-Beacon Bridge

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We were too close for comfort, but it was pretty cool.

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Police encounter number two.

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Sunset from Magdalene Island

And this is a deer just casually swimming across the Hudson River.

She’s just casually swimming across the Hudson River.

4 I started watching my cousins again this summer. They’re really great kids and it’s probably the easiest summer job ever, so I have nothing to complain about. They’re just super cool.

5 I went to a concert and left before the main act because the demographic was actually that frustrating. Think the cast of Jersey Shore minus 10 years, plus their parents, plus trying to be a little hipster. Nopenopenopenopenope.

6 I heard this song and played it for my cousins, who now request it whenever we get in the car. They’ve also learned to love Owl City and Tegan And Sara. I’ve taught them well.

7 I moved my blog! That’s new. It’s still in progress actually…

8 I did yoga in Times Square.

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9 I became a pseudo-vegan. So basically I will usually opt for the vegan alternative when presented to me, and I am vegetarian under all conditions, but I just try to eat as little dairy and other animal products as possible.

10 I went to the CIA and violated veganism hardcore, but it was so worth it.

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11 I got sick and it sucked, however I don’t think I handle dextromethorphan properly because I feel super high whenever I take Robitussin. I remember that happened when I was sick over Christmas break and I was cool with it, but now that I’m responsible for the lives of two small children and I have to drive them places, I decided to Google if it was a mental thing or if it was actually possible that I could have such a reaction to Robitussin. Apparently 7% of Caucasians don’t metabolize DXM properly, and I can’t find anywhere what happens to those for whom that is the case, but maybe that could be the case for me? I took the recommended dosage two nights ago and decided to drink some tea, do homework, and do laundry before I went to sleep. I started noticing the effects after 15 minutes or so, and then I had the craziest dreams and woke up and I do believe I was hallucinating. I took it again last night because I was coughing uncontrollably, and I’m usually really disoriented whenever I wake up, but that stuff did a number on me. No more Robitussin while I have to look after two of my favorite mini-people.

12 I ran my fastest 3 miles ever on the one day that I accepted the fact that I was going to be really slow.

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13 I saw The Heat, and it was good for a chick flick comedy.

14 I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in two years and it was cool because we still liked each other.

15 I started drinking a lot of tea. I always drank tea more than most people because I have this weird irrational belief that it’s like a magic potion that just fixes everything, and lately lots of things have needed fixing, so I’ve been through three boxes in the month of June alone. Echinacea has been a favorite for a while.

16 I biked on the Harlem Valley Rail Trail with my father. It was pretty cool. At the end we went to a farmers market where we had the best brownie I’ve ever had accompanied by some awesome cherries, and it was a great morning.

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17 I did a walk over for the first time since I was 8. Yay for yoga.

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18 The summer solstice became really important to me. It it the official first day of summer, the longest day of the year, and a celebration of light. It has no real significance other than the beginning of summer, but I’ve always lived for the summer. I obviously love the Christmas season and the coziness of winter, but I’ve always been a person of the summer. This year I participated in a solstice celebration, and it felt significant to me. My birthday doesn’t really have much significance to me, and I don’t like to ignore my birthday, but it’s just not something that I ever cared about. The solstice is cool though.

Through.

“The best way out is always through.”
-Robert Frost, “A Servant to Servants”

That is the quote from which I chose the name for my blog. I also have the word through tattooed on my body. Forever. It is there forever, and I will never be able to get rid of it. It actually says “through.” Period included. Because to me, the period denotes the finality of the quote. It indicates the presence of something before the word throughAfter all, the word through alone is not a sentence, and sentences end in periods, so there must be something before it that is unseen in the tattoo. Thus the period.

Through in the sense that I interpret it is an adverb. An adverb describes the manner in which one does something. To me, through is how to live. Live through. It carries a connotation of transience – of motion and activity, which are all good things that I like to associate with myself, and to associate with living. Through reminds me to keep living by doing, acting, and throwing myself at opportunities. To take advantage of time and manipulate my life around a clock. To make it difficult for the days to turn because I force so much life into them. Not in the sense that I have a jammed schedule and tons of friends and so many places to be, but in that I make good things happen and I embrace all of it. I drink up every chance I have to create myself – to create my life through. That’s what through means to me.

However, the connotation of continuance that I associate with through has a different significance for me. I am fortunate enough to have had almost nineteen years of truly blissful happiness, and I know just how lucky I am. But, you know, the going gets rough sometimes for everyone. There were times when I was genuinely concerned about my own mental health, there were times when people betrayed me, there were times when I couldn’t face myself for betraying others, and there were times that were just unnecessarily shitty for no other reason than that life is not fair sometimes. During those times, I need to close my eyes, hold my breath, and just blindly push forward – push through. Those times always end. There is always a time after those when things look up. I can’t spend every minute trying to fill my life with awesome things, so during the times when it becomes difficult to focus on getting through something, I have to remember that it’s exactly that – getting through the place I am now, because there are so many better things to look forward to after the not so happy times are over. I’m never stuck, but I’m also never helpless. For me, it’s never a matter of “letting it pass,” it’s a matter of taking an active role in pushing the bad times behind me so I can fully enjoy the good times.

So that is my through. It reminds me to actively push the bad behind me, and actively embrace the good. I try to live my life through.

18 Things of April

April happened. Let’s review.
1 I entered the month in New York.
2 Sam came to visit!
3 I met my roommates for next year – they seem pretty cool and they love Christmas, so I think it’ll work out just fine. They’re just not as fly as dis woman.

We hella cool.

Totally twinning.

We’re just going to be so rich, successful, attractive, and happy one day.

4 I had a ratchet date.
5 I saw this guy. And it was awesome.
6 I declared my double major in Psychology and Linguistics and a double minor in TESL and Cultural Studies.

Cultural Studies minor ftw.
7 I went to a professional baseball game and made a mental note to never go to another professional baseball game. Ever again. Dat shit’s boring as fuck. But still not as boring as golf.

8 I registered for Fall 2013 classes: Oceanography, Semantics, Phonological Theory II, Syntax I, Research Methods in Psychology, Conversation Analysis, and Language Acquisition. One of them will be dropped though.
9 I became obsessed with Cary Grant for a short period of time, and then realized that I could actually create an entire class presentation around his accent, which made me feel really happy. Hell yah, brah.
10 I began research for my project next semester yayyyyy.
11 I decided to go to Scotland next spring. I honestly have no idea what will actually happen, but the tentative plan is to enroll in the University of Glasgow for Spring 2014, which is exciting. But I make so many plans and change my mind as the wind blows, so I really have no idea what I will be doing this far in advance.
12 I went through several distinct phases of music obsession: Hoodie Allen, Noah Gunderson, Born Ruffians, Vertical Horizon, and Kina Grannis.
13 I didn’t drink pop for the entire month yay!
14 I realized that Chipotle is so, so much better – rice, – hot salsa, + chipotle hot sauce, and + extra lettuce and corn salsa.

I’ll let you fill in the blank that I blurred for the sake of her reputation.

15 I began to embrace my pathetically short hair.
16 I watched 3 health documentaries in one day, then was like, “Oh my God I am officially vegan! How am I even still ALIVE after I have been eating so much meat and dairy?!” And then I was presented with cheese and I was like fuck that.
17 I discovered this cover with which I am in love.
18 I realized that thismakes the best alarm of all time.

Say it with me: Two more weeks.

Spring Jam was actually mildly eventful. I liked it, but it definitely fell a little flat. It’s all cool though. Any weekend involving friends, several forms of ASC, and gyro pizza can’t really be that bad. It was really, really nice outside too. We had absolutely perfect weather – high 70s, strong sun, little humidity, and gentle breeze from the Mississippi. On Wednesday, however, it started snowing. Snowing. A-fucking-gain.

Yeah, he sucked. But it was fun.
This pretty accurately depicts the Saturday of Spring Jam in one picture.


Oh hey snowy campus. In April.
That is snow on my scarf. Snow. Yesterday.




Right now I am eating an apple and sitting in the special seat of the Starbucks on West Bank, and it feels glorious. I am, however, drinking an iced coffee rather than a special latte, because I have $0.08 left on my student account and I now must pay for my own caffeinated beverages. So I go with coffee.

I didn’t have to work yesterday because it was the deadline for confirming admission, so I went to a different yoga class. I had never had this instructor before, and I am actually ridiculously sore right now. The guy that was next to me was completely covered in tattoos from the knees up, and he had a red mohawk. I don’t know what it is about tattooed guys and yoga, but when you put them together, I find it curiously attractive in a very hipster sort of way. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s why I’m so sore. Nothing drives us quite like trying to impress attractive strangers. Especially tattooed-yoga-doing ones. Maybe that’s why I pushed myself so hard yesterday. Hmm. Curious.

Although, I did get super dizzy and I started seeing spots while in this one position. BUT I DID NOT GIVE UP. I have to say, though, I am really proud of the progress I’ve made in terms of my strength and ability to control my body. The yoga instructor always walks around during class, and she helps the “advanced” people get into the more difficult poses. I can proudly say that last week, the instructor came over to help me. I had such a huge, dumb, sweaty smile on my face.



My beautiful yoga studio. Which was formerly a coffee shop where Bob Dylan frequently performed. True story.



I’m going to reveal a bit of my inner flower child here, but practicing yoga really is so underrated. I think what I find so impressive about it is that it encourages a mentality of building strength and physical awareness without someone screaming at me. Like, whenever I was rowing or running or anything, I would listen to super high-energy music that usually involved someone screaming to get “pumped up” and encourage myself to go HAM on dat erg (or dat road, whatever). But there’s something really cool about being like, “Nah, dude. Just chill and be strong. Calm down and just be cool.” I don’t know why I like it so much, but it’s like rather than getting all worked up and cray on the treadmill and beating yourself to death, it’s like finding strength and health and well-being in the effort and really focusing on your body and how it’s functioning. It also makes me think a lot more carefully about what I eat…like it makes me more aware of my body on all accounts. I like it. You should try it. The best part is that everyone can do it in one way or another, and if you can do it, then you can benefit from it.


Me, as I appear while writing this.



I am two papers, one essay, one problem set, and two exams away from summer. As excited as I am for the summer and to be free of exams for a little while, it will also be kind of sad. I’m going to be away from Minneapolis for over 3 months…That’s a very long time. No doubt, this summer is going to be amazing, and I will get my fix of the Hudson Valley. But this is very much my home now, and I will miss it.