I used to have a private blog of my dreams. I had a couple hundred different dreams on there, but then I realized that if anyone ever saw that, they would basically have a perfect view into my subconscious, and I am not so sure I would like that. So I deleted the blog and its contents. It was a little sad because there were some great ones on there, but sometimes I just let go of things because the pain of losing them is sweet. It’s like the pain that we feel when we have a bruise and we just keep poking it.
Anyway, I have put some of my dreams on here, and I am going to put part of last night’s dream on here today. It was a really really weird dream, but I can’t stop thinking about it. It probably isn’t the best idea to put this on here because it may or may not have quite a lot to do with what is going on in my conscious and subconscious thoughts, but whatever. It’s going up anyway.
I had quadruplets. I didn’t know I was pregnant, then bam…four babies just popped out of me. I was like, “Awesome. I always wanted kids. Cool.” I had three girls and one boy, and one of the girls was born without an arm. I thought it was my fault that she didn’t have an arm…and I felt so, so, so bad about it. I mean I didn’t think I directly caused it, but I felt like it was somehow a result of something I did. Then I had to name them. I spend A LOT of time thinking about names. Not just names of my future children, but names in general. I think of why people pick certain names, what different names mean, what names mean to me, and how different names sound together. So I already knew of quite a few names that I love, but I needed to give my daughter who was born without an arm a perfect name. I couldn’t think of one, because I always find something wrong with every name, but I named her Ilana. I then realised that I don’t even like that name very much, and it just didn’t sound strong enough, so I started freaking out because I couldn’t think of a good name.
I eventually named her Emiliana. I do like that name. Five syllables is a little long, so it would definitely require a nickname, and I don’t like most of the nicknames that would likely come from it (Emili, Emi, Ana). The only ones I kind of like are Lia or Liana. Anyway, I named her Emiliana Ryan. Last names didn’t exist in my dream apparently. The other ones were Leila Pax, Noelle Hudson, and Samuel Alexander. I quite like those ones. I apparently have a thing for liquid consonants. They’re kind of my defaults. Because every 18 year old should have default names for their nonexistent children incase they have kids in a dream.
When I was younger, there were three kinds of dreams that I would have quite often. In the first, I was somewhere without my shoes. I would just forget them or I would have lost them, and somehow I was somewhere important without shoes. In the second I would be in a car and unable to drive. I would have to get out of some place, but I would be at the wheel with no idea of how to drive a car. In the third, I would have a child and have no idea what to name it. All of these dreams are really stressful for me and I usually grind my teeth when I have them (I am aware of this because my jaw is sore as fuck the next morning). All of these come from lacking a certain preparedness, and even though I will probably not forget my shoes and I do now know how to drive, I still have those dreams sometimes. It’s odd.
Anyway, that’s why I got super into names this summer. I had so many dreams about not knowing what to name my child and stressing about it and trying to research names and figure out the perfect name, so in reality I decided I should probably just look into names a bit more so I could feel less stressed and more prepared in my dreams. I am so, so, so weird. Not that “unique, special, interesting” kind of weird. I am just dumb. But it’s ok. It’s fine.
So in the dream I finally named my children, and I went to my house in NY. Then my mom started taking them from me and I was like, “No, chill. I got this.” And I had it. In my dream I was actually really confused because I was aware of the fact that you can’t really be pregnant with quadruplets and not know it, but I ignored that fact. Then my family was setting up for Christmas Eve, and my dad’s friend came over for brunch and he brought his dog (he doesn’t actually have a dog). The dog went up to the quadruplets and started barking at them, and so I literally ripped his head off and threw his dismembered body out the front door and into the snow, and all the snow turned red. Then my dad’s friend started yelling at me and hitting me for killing his dog, then my dad killed him. Everything was then weirdly normal (as normal as me having quadruplets can be) and I was just sitting there with my parents and my children in our living room with the Christmas tree and music and everything was fine.
I realize that this post is a disorganized mess of things that you probably shouldn’t know, but it’s finals week and this dream would not leave my head until I got it out. It’s out.