Tag Archives: Lourdes

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means.

(I started this on March 12. Thus the looking forward to California…)

Quite a lot has happened in this past week. But I don’t care about any of it, because in my head I’m already in Los Angeles. Getting all sweaty building things, chilling on the beach, drinking really cold things, and wearing flip flops and a tank top.

There’s a new pope. He is from Argentina, which I think is pretty cool. My dad tweeted, “The Conclave of Elimination based on Target Market demographics,” and that is totally true. My point of view in terms of religion is always changing, but that’s okay. I like to just stick to the words of the one, the only, Dick Van Dyke: “To live a life of love and compassion and to care about your fellow human beings and do no harm. I think that’s a religion right there.” And honestly, I think that’s all that really matters.

I’m taking a class this semester, and I decided to take it for three reasons. One, the course number is 3456W, and I like that. Two, it fulfills two LE requirements, and it’s an upper-level writing intensive course, of which I need three. Three, my final project is called The Porning of America, so the research is kind of fun. I decided to take it S/N because it isn’t for my major and generally, the fewer courses that affect my GPA, the better. However, I think I might try to change it to the A/F system, because I currently have an A because I dominate that class because I am super into it because it’s hella interesting.

That class is something that I just cannot wait to attend every Tuesday and Thursday. Every time I am doing my homework (which consists of reading an article, essay, or book assigned by the professor), my mind just has to prepare itself to be blown. It’s that cool. I end up reading these historical accounts or cultural narratives that completely, 100% support everything I ever thought to be true, from a completely fresh angle. I guess the reason I like it so much is because for the greater part of my life, I had people telling me that these things I thought to be true were wrong. Not only were they wrong, but I would eventually have to pay for thinking the way I do. They made me doubt myself, a lot. Obviously, these things that I am reading are carefully selected by my professor, so although we are not reading about his opinion, I doubt he would select things that contradict his own beliefs. But it’s still really cool to me that when I was in 6thgrade, people told me I was wrong, but taught me about Greek philosophers who actually think that I am right. My teachers just filtered out those philosophies that contradicted the version of reality that they wanted me to believe. And I don’t really like that.

Don’t get me wrong – I am eternally grateful for having attended Catholic elementary school. I’m just happy that I don’t any longer. I remember when I was in second grade, we were learning about subtraction. I asked my teacher what would happened if you had to subtract 5 from 4. She said that you couldn’t do it. I counted it out, and I thought it could just be 1 on the other side of zero, because I have always conceptualized numbers on a line, but in my head the line runs from right to left. I asked her if there was anything on the other side, and she told me there wasn’t. Then I entered 5thgrade, and all of a sudden you actually could subtract 5 from 4, and I was so pissed. Seven-year-old me could have totally handled the simple explanation of it resulting in -1, mostly because I already guessed that was what would happen. She lied to me because she didn’t think I could understand it, and that pissed me off.

In religion class when I was younger, we learned all about the stories of the Bible. We made our way from Genesis to Exodus through the majority of the Old Testament, and tackled the New Testament in 7thand 8thgrade. I’m really happy that I learned about all of that, if for no other reason than to understand where all of its cultural influence is coming from. People ask, “Well have you actually ever READ the Bible?!” Yes, yes I have. I get it.

However, when I was in 6thgrade, I asked my teacher how the world became populated without bestiality or incest if the only people created were Adam and Eve, and Eve only had two sons, one of whom killed the other. She then told me that the Bible isn’t supposed to always be taken literally. WHOA. HOLD ON. WHAT? THERE WAS NO ADAM AND EVE? WTF?

This was big news to me, as I had thought that the Bible was basically the final word on all things ever. That’s what they told me – it’s The Truth. To hear that even one part of it was something of a fable was a little too much for me to handle. My teacher told me to think of Adam and Eve as more of representations of humanity or spirits that were created. “Then how does God remove a rib from a spirit? Then is it okay for spirits to commit incest? If this isn’t true, then how to I know that the rest of the Bible is true? IS ANY OF IT TRUE?” I could not wrap my head around the fact that this may not be the truth. I was so confused. (I am still confused as to what she wanted me to take from that…)

Then we had an assembly from a Native American who told us all of these stories from his tribe that he told us provided them explanations for different elements of nature. In Social Studies (what my school for some reason decided to call our History class), we were told to write stories of our own to explain parts of nature. Inevitably, I decided to take a queue from the Bible and I wrote a story about how people came to be. It was something about the sun having nothing to watch as it crossed the sky everyday, so it created people and animals for its own entertainment.

In this culture class I am taking, we have read some (and read about some) pretty old texts from East Asian, Indian, Arab, and European cultures. I don’t really know how to articulate what I think about all of this, but I will try. Basically, even though many of these texts are super different from one another, one thing that they all have in common is that they offer explanations for things that had not yet been explained by science when they were written, and they create certain cultural laws for things that they are afraid of. They vilify the behavior of the “other,” and create laws to help maintain the balance of power (which was usually quite unbalanced). We have looked at the Old Testament (in the context that it is The Torah) in the same way that we looked at all of the other texts, and it’s become really hard for me to see it as anything other than just another one of those books. Another book, about another religion, about another culture, offering other explanations and trying to civilize and contain another group of people.

Do I believe in God? Yes, I do. The way I see it is that everything had to come from somewhere, and I doubt science will ever be able to produce a valid explanation for the existence of existence, so with that logic, there is a higher power that I call God (and that, for some reason, looks like the child of Corovado and The Statue of Liberty in my head) that created existence. But the God that I know is not the God that the vast majority of Catholics seem to know. Their God inspired a bunch of guys from a really long time ago to write a book that I can’t take seriously. But at this point in my life, that’s about all I believe in. I just find it really hard to understand a religion based on a book that was written so, so long ago by a culture so different from our own.

I think the one point that makes this hard for me to swallow is that as a Catholic, I am supposed to determine the way I live my life according to a book written by man. I have authority issues. This is no secret to anyone. “But a man didn’t write the Bible, God did!” No, no he didn’t. In the words of Russell Brand, “The Holy Spirit did not have a pen in its hand, did it?” No, no it didn’t. I do believe that the Holy Spirit could have had a significant influence in the writing of Scripture, but even with that little nugget of Catholic abidance, everything was still put through the impure filter of man. And that is one murky ass filter.

If you think about it, the fact that these stories were written makes complete sense (well…it makes sense to me). Of course there were stories written to explain the creation of man. Evolution wasn’t a thing. And when you don’t know something, chalk it up to the product of something of which you can’t verify the existence, problem solved. You now have an explanation that, although cannot be proven, also cannot be disproven.

There is also something that I never quite understood about Catholicism which is really just a question that was dodged like a flaming bullet every time I asked a teacher. What happens to the souls of unborn children, or children who die before being baptized? Whether in the case of abortion or miscarriages, I remember wondering what would happen to them when I was pretty young. We learned that everyone is born with original sin, original sin is only cleansed through Baptism, and that nothing impure can enter Heaven (it was in Revelation somewhere). So…then what? They can’t be damned to hell because they had never committed a conscious sin, but it doesn’t seem quite fair for them to remain in Limbo for eternity. In 11th grade, my teacher said that he personally believes that God would use extraordinary grace to absolve them of original sin and welcome them into Heaven, which seems reasonable, but that it not stated anywhere in the Bible. So based on that reasoning, anything I deem reasonable should be quite alright, which it is obviously not. These things perplex me.

I would just like to clarify, though, that I don’t think the validity of the Bible really matters when considering what we should take away from it. I think that when the Bible was created, The Golden Rule was created for a reason. Those guys were like, “Okay, we get that this is a lot of information for all of you illiterate folks, so if you take nothing else from this book, just remember this.” Coincidentally, I think The Golden Rule is stated in Leviticus, which is the same book that contains a lot of the stuff that people most often misunderstand. That could be wrong though, don’t quote me on that. My point is, even if it was a book that is 100% man-made, and 100% lacking any influence from a higher power, it’s still good to read something centered around teaching people how to be good to other people. Jesus was a real person, a historical figure, and even if you don’t believe in God and don’t believe that Jesus was his son, he still died to make a statement. He literally sacrificed his life to dig the point into people’s heads that he loved them and we should all love one another. Even if all of it is bullshit and the entire thing is lacking any kind of sacred influence, it’s still a message that people should take home with them.

The problem is that all too often, that is the only point that people do NOT take away from the Bible, or Catholicism in general. They focus on the footnotes, the mistranslations, and the parts that they find easy to abide by. No stealing or killing? Pssh. Cake. Treating others how you want to be treated? Not so easy.

I could go on about this for forever, but I have class and this post has been sitting idle for far too long so I am just publishing it.

“No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means.” George Bernard Shaw

This Close.

A lot went down during the month of May. I ran in the Run For Your Lives event, got pneumonia, reacted pretty violently to the medication I was prescribed, was in the hospital for a little while, missed all of my final exams, missed my AP exam, made up all said exams, and semi-finished school. My dad also went to Colombia for three weeks, and he will be home in a few days. So. Yes.

This summer I am actually going to be pretty busy. It’s not like last summer when I was always going away places, but I have a lot I have to accomplish this summer.

Different note: when I was a sophomore, I created a private blog for myself to document my college search, admission, and decision processes. I just found that blog again, and reading it was so funny. At that point, I still had absolutely no idea what I was going to study, or what kind of college I wanted to go to. I was kind of just closing my eyes, holding my breath, spinning, pointing and saying “Yeah! That sounds good!” I made a sidebar list of possible major/minors and they are…amusing. Some of the ones that I found most interesting are Yoga, Genetics, Forestry, Geology, and Fuck This. Haha…I really did not want to think about college at that point.

Now, I am pretty sure of my chosen …genre of study, if you will. I know that I will have some combination of degrees in Psychology, Linguistics, and foreign languages, which will most likely include one or more of the following: Italian, Spanish, French, Portuguese, and Russian. Honestly, the only thing preventing me from getting a quad major Psyc/Ling/Ital/Span is the fact that I want to study abroad. Otherwise, I could totally do it, but because I can’t rely on my chosen locations having courses that I need, I have to leave enough wiggle room to ensure that I will get all of my planned degrees.

The University of Minnesota has this awesome tool called Graduation Planner, and you basically map out your entire academic career class-by-class and see how things fit together to get the most from your education. Next semester, I will most likely be taking Intro to Linguistics; Intro to Measurement and Data Analysis in Psychology; Exploring the Universe; Italian Culture, History, and Society Through Film; and History of Media Communication. It’s only 5 classes, but because they are nearly all 4-credit courses, it’s works out to be 19 credits. Although, because I left so much room near the end of my 4-year plan, if my advisor thinks I should drop one class for my first semester, I’ll drop the Italian course. It’s the most inconvenient for my schedule, and it’s not necessary to take an elective for my major this early on.

I officially have 3 more high school classes left. We are doing absolutely nothing in English right now- just watching movies.

It’s funny…well, not funny really…actually it’s a little pathetic, but I feel so numb about leaving high school. And going to college. Like it’s not the kind of numb when you just know that at any second, something will wake you and all of a sudden you will FEEL whatever it is that you are suppressing. I genuinely think I am indifferent to this transition in my life. It wouldn’t seem so funny (or just, odd) to me if I weren’t reading all those Facebook statuses about “I’m going to miss everyone!” and “These past four years have been amazing!” and “I will never forget you!” I am not going to miss anyone, these past four years have not been amazing, and I will forget you. However, I experienced all of these feelings when I moved to NY. I missed everyone (I still miss a few…), those two years were amazing, and I will never forget some of the people I met there. I suppose I’m just numb because I have nothing to leave behind. I am used to changing things, and to leaving and explaining and being lost wherever I am. Being in a new place is not exactly exciting to me, but it’s most certainly not terrifying either. I officially suck at making new friends, so I guess I will just have to work on that next year. But I’m not nervous about it at all. I know that I suck at it. I have the small-talk skills of a spoon, but whatever. So I’ll be alone. I’ll not be lonely. There’s such a difference between those two.

My point is- this is much less of a big deal to me than it is to many. I don’t know how much I like that, but I don’t care. It will be good to have the same experiences as my peers, and to not have to explain myself. Yay.

Be My Honeypie, please.

I have had the same schedule for 3.5 months, and I still forget that every Tuesday I get an hour and a half between my Marist classes. I swear…every single Tuesday it comes to me as a pleasant surprise. In this case, my forgetfulness is wonderful. This morning I had a psychology test and I met with my calc tutor last night, so all night I wanted to write a post and watch the new How I Met Your Mother (which I heard Sam watching downstairs…so I had to put in my earphones because I am THAT easily distracted) but I had to go over the problems from Calculus and study for my psyc test. BUT NOW that I have 2 hours (I finished the psyc test early) I can write a post and do some Christmas shopping! (online, of course.)

My Secret Santa is so hard to shop for….ugh. I have looked at so many thing that this person would like but I just can’t decide. I think I’ll go to the mall after microeconomics and hopefully I will be inspired to buy something. I got one thing last night, but I need to buy more. Many companies’ standard shipping policies are 7-14 days, and 14 days from today is December 20! We are exchanging our Secret Santa gifts on Christmas Eve because that’s when we see my mother’s family, so that only gives me 3 more days to find the present if I am ordering it online. Grr…oh well. I’ll find something.

My psychology test was pretty easy. The only questions I was unsure of were what the function of Freud’s ego is (apparently the answer was link to reality…yeah I put emotion or something…woops) and whether something was “external” or “extrinsic.” I put extrinsic, and apparently it was external. Oh well.

In English we are reading “Waiting for Godot” by Samuel Beckett. I kind of like it…it reminds me of some conversations with my friends. Anyway, apparently it’s a “satire of the human condition,” and it seemed to me like the reactions and responses my English teacher was looking for were similar to those that Ms. Raines was after. The difference is, that Ms. Raines wasn’t looking for any specific answers, and she loved it when we brought up points that she’s never noticed before. Even if she thought we were wrong, she was just happy that we were forming our own opinions and thinking for ourselves, which I loved. I loved knowing that I could just let things kind of brew in my head for a little while and then share some weird little revelation and draw connections and that we were supposed to be doing that. She encouraged us to think for ourselves, and then confessed that once she’d successfully created her English monsters, she knew she’d have to deal with us arguing and thinking for the rest of the year, but she loved it because she’d accomplished making us into students who could successfully analyze literature and support our arguments.

My current English teacher just seems to be looking for specific answers. Like, he will ask what we think, but he will only be happy once someone has said what he was thinking. I am not saying that is wrong in any way, I mean he is an AP English teacher so he probably knows his stuff. It’s just not the kind of environment I enjoy learning in. I know this is tacky but I do genuinely enjoy learning when it’s about something I have interest in and I really do like talking about classic lit and reading it and thinking about it and writing about it, but I just wish my English teacher would kind of form the class around how we saw things, rather than how he saw them. Then again, I have to remember that this is a freaking AP class. I hate the AP system to much…this is not learning. This is standardizing. This is not truly comprehending and learning how to create, but simply learning a formula and how to plug in the variables. I do not like learning formulas, because I think there are an infinite number of solutions (the fact that I just saw my calc homework problem from last night with the answer of infinity flash before my eyes is indicative of some damn good studying). I really do hate AP…the purpose is to learn the formula, crank it out for the exam, and get out. There’s no real growth there….just the understanding of the formula. Nothing that will be of any significant benefit to us in the future, other than how to do what is expected of us.

This is why I need to go to a good school…one where students do not just “get by.” Therefore, I must not be one who just gets by…I have to go above and beyond because I WANT TO. Because those are the kinds of professors I want, and the kinds of students I want to be surrounded by. Those who appreciate learning for learning’s sake, for the sake of growth and progress and understanding.

On a completely different note, did you know that gold car holders get free refills of brewed coffee and tea at Starbucks? How freaking amazing is that? I can get the Christmas blend! SCORE. I am at Starbucks by the way…I also decided to embrace the fact that we are already 1/6 of the way through December and I bought a gingerbread biscotti. It’s actually supposed to be biscotto, because there’s only one, but I’m a bitch like that. Oh well.

Also, I found the perfect homework song. I read what kind of music was best for studying, and some sources said classical, others said opera, but one that I found very interesting just said music that you know very well, because you won’t be thinking about it. I thought about that and it totally made sense…so I used to listen to Gavin Degraw and James Taylor because I can pretty much write out every single lyric on their albums. James Taylor, however, evoked too many memories for me. There’s a lot of nice imagery in his lyrics (“and the berkshires seemed dreamlike on account of that frostin”…oh berkshires….) and I don’t know…I think because I have listened to that so much ever since I was a baby, I associate too much with the song. So that didn’t work, but then Gavin Degraw didn’t work because I listened to his album when we were at the Château de L’Isle-Marie and all I can think of is lying in my bed in the freaking coolest life-size French dollhouse-esque room, smelling that weird April must, and thinking about those things that 15 year olds think about (well, some of them…) (okay so maybe just me…) and I would get a little emotional. So Gavin Degraw failed, too.

THEN, I rediscovered Be My Honeypie by The Weepies. I first saw the video a while ago, and I recently rediscovered it fell in love with the video all over again. Then I downloaded the CD, and I fell in love with the song. I downloaded it on December 2, and I have listened to it 121 times so far. The lyrics are super simple, I have no associations with the song, it isn’t super deep or emotional, and the music is so simple. Thus I can listen to this thing for hours and it provides enough of a dose of happy to prevent a little study-angst while still being simple enough to not distract me. I swear…it’s the perfect homework song. I am listening to it now, because it’s awesome. And it’s raining outside, and I need some happy honeypie if I don’t have any sunshine.

Back to WFGodot… the two concepts we (well…he) talked about from the book today are:

1 Basically, the caption of my blog title. The more we know, the less we know that we know. So like…the more we learn, the more we are aware that we really don’t know anything. Learning to become aware of the fact that we don’t know jack shit. Basically.

2 Although the slave Lucky is initially perceived as unlucky, he is supposed to be perceived as the lucky one because he does not have to make any decisions. So, kind of like because Lucky does not know anything, he has no problem making decisions because he thinks he knows everything PLUS the fact that he does not have to make any decisions equals his not having to deal with the anxiety of making decisions and judgement calls like Vladimir and Estrogon (not estrogen…estrogon. although I feel like there was some intent there…in making Vladimir a Russian name and Estrogon similar to estrogen…so we have a Russian and a woman. later we also have a crazy man (named “Pozzo,” which I would pronounce as pohzoh, but my teacher says as pah-tso, which is how the Italian word for “crazy” is pronounced. hmmm…), and then there is a slave. So we have a Russian, a woman’s name, a crazy man, and a slave, and a boy who remains nameless. Idk…seems like the names are important. But my teacher does not think so. Therefore, as far as I am concerned, they are not of importance.). In case I lost you, I was talking about the second concept we were “introduced” to today which is basically that Lucky is lucky because he does not have to make his own decisions and because he does not know enough to doubt himself. There you go. Bam.

I have two problems with the manner in which we learned about these (of course I do. When do I ever not have a problem with anything.). The first is that my teacher talks about these as some sort of incredible revelations that Beckett made by which we should be completely impressed and in awe of this understanding (whether it’s Beckett’s, my teacher’s, or our understanding that should impress us, I do not know). I do not mean to employ the hipster/pseudo-hipster (debatable) mantra of “I knew/did/heard/saw/ate/smoked/used/wore that before it was cool,” but it’s not like we are a bunch of children who could not have come up with that on our own, and I in fact named my blog after one of those concepts. I’m just saying…I chose my blog caption for a reason. I realized that the more I learned and grew, the more I doubted the truth of what I actually knew and the more I developed a desire for knowing and learning and experiencing. It isn’t that I want to feel smug or awesome or that my ego needs any more inflating (pshh…yeah right), it’s just that I wish people wouldn’t assume us to be these two-dimensional kids who need to have everything fed to them. I love the fact that I do not go to high school for the majority of my day, but this morning’s class reminded me of why I left Lourdes and why it is that I have to work my ass off in college to make sure that I don’t have to surround myself by people who assume my incapability…I don’t know. I just don’t know.

(I just got another coffee for 0.54. Gold Card FTW.)

The second problem I have was with how my teacher also assumed us all to think like him in the sense that “we enjoy being like Lucky…it is easier to move with the bell and be told exactly when we have to pick up our backpacks and go to the next class and be told exactly how to dress and what to say than to make decisions on our own, because as we learn, the uncertainties we develop will only cause more doubt in our decision making and therefore just cause more anxiety.” Basically the point we were supposed to get is that having expectations and a specific purpose is more important/valuable than freedom, which Lucky does not have. I’m so sorry if I am not explaining this well…I can wrap my head around it but not really get it out in one piece. My huge problem with this is that he assumed it to be true for all of us…and kept saying things like “we” and “you.” I don’t know whether I am just getting caught up on a technicality and he was just generalizing because it was faster and easier, or if he genuinely meant to refer to all of “us,” but I really don’t like that. I don’t know if I am being a sensitive bitch about this or if I am right, but I just wish people would stop assuming that we all think the same way, because we most certainly do not.

I left the bells and backpacks because I NEEDED freedom to be happy with myself. I need to be the one making decisions for myself, or else I will just become a mess. I am fully aware that there is an incredible amount of doubt and uncertainty behind all of my decisions, but you don’t let that stop you from MAKING them! Come on, guys. Yes, of course it’s generally easier to be told what to do and what you are expected to do, but that’s just to shut everyone up. Okay fine, tell me exactly how clean you want my room so I can do that and you will shut up. Tell me exactly how long this paper should be so I can do it and you will shut up. Tell me exactly what is considered a crime so I can avoid it and you will shut up. Tell me exactly how much eyeliner is too much for you so I can do that and you will shut up. But as far as what you do with your own time and your own life…of course freedom is better. Your own ethics will stop you from doing the things you know are wrong, and they will help you be the person you want to be, but to understand the law and avoid conflicts between your own subjective morality and the law’s definition of a crime is important so I can just obey it and everyone will just shut up about it. I do not like being told to do things (Obviously…and this is a big problem for my parents. Sorry, guys. Love you.) because what sense is there in living if you do so by everyone else’s standards and not your own? Will you really be happy then? Yes you will have shut everyone up so you can live peacefully, but how much personal satisfaction will you have with your own life if none of your decisions were your own, but just the product of fulfilling expectations and leaving with the bell? I don’t know…this is too long and I have to to go microeconomics. I just don’t know.

Updated play count: 146

Yayyyyyy for college.

I have made some great decisions recently. Like, I have been doing things that make me super happy. They aren’t life-shatteringly important decisions, but they are things that once I have made them and I am dealing with the [positive] consequences, I think so myself, “Wow. I could not have done this any better. I am so happy I decided to do this.”

The Bridge Program is one such decision. Over the summer, someone mentioned OLL to me and I realized that I had not thought about it ONCE since I left. Not once…not one thought of, “Oh, I kind of wish I was going to Lourdes” went through my mind. Coming from the person who spent months (years?) wishing to return to my now old-old school, this is pretty impressive. I have mastered the art of not being where I want to be, and being a place that I don’t want to be. But, I definitely do NOT want to be at Lourdes. During the year I kind of tried to trick myself into thinking, “Oh no! I am FINE! My life is amazing. I am so lucky. Lourdes isn’t so bad! It’s all fine! Everything is fine!” You see, typically, pretending to be what you are supposed to be helps a lot. But when you say that through with a red-eyed, tear-stained face, it kind of doesn’t make any sense. So, I was clearly unhappy. And now, the feelings that I am reminded of when I see my brother in his OLL uniform or think of sitting during my so called “free” period (which was anything but), are those of relief. I know I will never have to do anything like that EVER again. I will be in control of my own life. Today in psychology, we learned that three components to a healthy psyche are commitment, control, and challenge.

I had no control, and I hated it. Now, I have all three of those. I am committed to making this a year of growth, a year of learning, and a year of preparation for myself so I can be fully prepared for flying the coop next year. I have complete control- I do everything on my own terms. I go where I want to, when I want to. See- here’s where it gets un po’ tricky. I WANT to go to class. I actually, genuinely ENJOY all of my classes but one, and I don’t mind going to that one. Yes, it’s as boring as limbo (see previous posts), but it’s not torture. Today, I sat on the dock on the Hudson River between my classes and did my English homework. I am typing this in Starbucks, because I have no more assignments and I have some time to kill before I can leave (no car = padre must pick me up). Now that I am in control, I feel like I am more motivated to do well. I feel like no one is staring over my shoulder, making sure I do everything correctly. I start to freak out in that case, and I get the urge to punch said over-looker. I was being treated like a child, and I didn’t want that. Yeah, I’m not an adult, but I deserve more than a little kid. I do not need to be monitored…I am perfectly capable to get something as simple as adequate studying done without someone critiquing me. Okay, I will stop rambling about this. My computer is about to die. Oh no!

And I ran out of my iced coffee! Double oh no!

And, challenge. I wouldn’t say that this is anymore challenging than Lourdes, but I am actually interested in what I am learning for the most part. What I can say, though, is that no one is holding my hand (or, you know, strapping me to a stretcher and pushing me around), so some might say that is more challenging. Honestly, for me, it helps. Maybe it is more challenging, but I operate much more efficiently that way. When I am fed information, I kind of just accept it and move on. When I am forced (encouraged?) to think for myself, I tend to take an interest in things more easily, thus I am more engaged and more inclined to give a damn about what I am learning. Also, I feel the need to prove that I CAN do something for myself, without being pushed in the right direction, and succeed. Otherwise, you know…they did most of the work. It wasn’t really me who did it. But now that it IS me, I feel the need to prove myself capable. And that is why the “challenge” of being independent is vital for my success.

This was just supposed to be a “OMGHHKP I AM SO HAPPY TO BE OUT OF LOURDES” post, but it evolved. As does everything I do. Oh God. Hur we go.

But yes. I had my moment today at about 12:30pm- sitting on the dock with The Things They Carried, music playing, the sun shining just strongly enough to be pleasantly warm, a beautiful River breeze, in a tshirt, jeans, and riding boots; with a grande iced coffee with two pumps of sugar-free caramel and skim milk. I thought about the poor souls at Lourdes…trapped behind the concrete walls. No sunshine, no breeze. No jeans and riding boots, no music. No freedom, no independence. Maybe that truly works best for some individuals, but certainly not for me. I need to be in the sunshine and the breeze, with the freedom to be successful on my own terms.

Sooo yep. My awesome computer is going to stop being awesome in approximately 3 minutes, so I will wrap this up. I can’t post a link right now, but I suggest checking out I Was Married by Tegan & Sara. I like it. It was one of my dock songs.

Adios amigos.




I will never have to study physics again. And I think it’s safe to say that it’s pretty unlikely I will ever need to know what the Wilmont Proviso is.


My two least favorite subjects of all time are now DONE. Physics and U.S. History binders are now in the garbage can. I cannot have that kind of toxic waste in my bedroom any longer.

I just recently discovered the wonderful world of Pandora radio, and I’m not quite sure what I did without it. Kind of like cell phones. How did people survive without being able to reach one another 24/7?!

Ooookay. My room kind of looks like a bomb went off in my closet, so I have to work on that, then erging, and SWIMMING, and that I must go to the boys Court of Honour tonight, but Maria and Sarah will be there. Not too bad, right?! Right.

I only have 3 more exams, and they’re the easy ones. thank God.