When I was in 8th grade, a family friend had passed away and my mom told me to get my brothers and go to his funeral at lunch time. So I did, but it turned out to be the wrong funeral. We sat there in our uniforms in the back of the church, at a strangers funeral, and I cried my eyes out. It was so sad – there was hardly anyone there. I thought about that for a while, and I felt so embarrassed for crying at the funeral of a complete stranger, but I remember that day when things like this happen. And all of a sudden everything seems much more personal to me. I think about that man whose life I cried about, simply because the people who were there loved him and lost him.
All of those people had lives and futures that are now gone, and they have been taken from the people who love them. So I cry about that. And I think shedding some tears is the least I can do. I know it’s completely irrational and not true, but I feel like the more emotional burden I try to bear, the lighter it may be for some of the people who were actually affected by these events. I don’t know if they would consider it offensive or supportive that I cry, but I feel sad, so I cry about it. And then I say a prayer and carry on.
Like seriously though. If I get through this week in one piece, I will call it a success. Also, I am wearing my last pair of underwear, and they’re always the last pair because they’re my least favorite, so I have to do laundry after this concert tonight while I am studying for my exam tomorrow.
THIS IS LIFE. DO IT THROUGH.
I LOVE YOU.
“It’s just where your paths are leading…his is going in one direction, and yours is going in another direction. They probably won’t end up in the same place, but that’s ok. That did not sound the way I intended. It was supposed to sound encouraging. Now it just sounds sad. Ok, that did not go where it was supposed to. Sorry.” So said Eva Thomas.
I can’t use my own words right now, so I will use someone else’s. This isn’t supposed to be super cryptic. It’s not like I am trying to reveal some hidden emotion or anything – I am not broken. I am not sad. I am not looking for anything. It’s just that everything seems to be up and I am a bit down, and these words work better than anything I can come up with right now.
There you were
in your black dress
to the sadness
You’d hate the dark to prove the dawn
Need me no more and I’ll be gone
And our days pass like autumn wind
And the world spins around me again
So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
Because I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be
And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again
Dream of ways to make you understand my pain.
Push it in and twist the knife again.
Watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain.
Once you want it to begin,
no one really ever wins.
I’ve dreamt of that sound, dreamt of that sound
I was walking far from home
I saw lovers in a window
Whisper, “Want me like time, want me like time”
Talking too loud, talking too loud
I saw sunlight on the water
Saw a bird fall like a hammer from the sky
I saw flowers on the hillside
And a millionaire pissing on the lawn
Saw a prisoner take a pistol
And say, “Join me in song, join me in song”
Saw a car crash in the country
Where the prayers run like weeds along the road
I saw strangers stealing kisses
And a pair of hearts carved into a stone
I saw kindness and an angel
Crying, “Take me back home, take me back home”
Saw a highway, saw an ocean
I saw widows in the temple to the law
Naked dancers in the city
How they spoke for us all, spoke for us all
I was walking far from home
Where the names were not burned along the wall
Saw a wet road form a circle
And it came like a call, came like a call
From the Lord
You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home
Look at us spinning out in the madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like the devil in the church
In the middle of a crowded room
All we can do my love
Is hope we don’t take this ship down
The space between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding waiting for you