“It’s just where your paths are leading…his is going in one direction, and yours is going in another direction. They probably won’t end up in the same place, but that’s ok. That did not sound the way I intended. It was supposed to sound encouraging. Now it just sounds sad. Ok, that did not go where it was supposed to. Sorry.” So said Eva Thomas.
I can’t use my own words right now, so I will use someone else’s. This isn’t supposed to be super cryptic. It’s not like I am trying to reveal some hidden emotion or anything – I am not broken. I am not sad. I am not looking for anything. It’s just that everything seems to be up and I am a bit down, and these words work better than anything I can come up with right now.
There you were
in your black dress
to the sadness
You’d hate the dark to prove the dawn
Need me no more and I’ll be gone
And our days pass like autumn wind
And the world spins around me again
So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
Because I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be
And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again
Dream of ways to make you understand my pain.
Push it in and twist the knife again.
Watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain.
Once you want it to begin,
no one really ever wins.
I’ve dreamt of that sound, dreamt of that sound
I was walking far from home
I saw lovers in a window
Whisper, “Want me like time, want me like time”
Talking too loud, talking too loud
I saw sunlight on the water
Saw a bird fall like a hammer from the sky
I saw flowers on the hillside
And a millionaire pissing on the lawn
Saw a prisoner take a pistol
And say, “Join me in song, join me in song”
Saw a car crash in the country
Where the prayers run like weeds along the road
I saw strangers stealing kisses
And a pair of hearts carved into a stone
I saw kindness and an angel
Crying, “Take me back home, take me back home”
Saw a highway, saw an ocean
I saw widows in the temple to the law
Naked dancers in the city
How they spoke for us all, spoke for us all
I was walking far from home
Where the names were not burned along the wall
Saw a wet road form a circle
And it came like a call, came like a call
From the Lord
You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home
Look at us spinning out in the madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like the devil in the church
In the middle of a crowded room
All we can do my love
Is hope we don’t take this ship down
The space between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding waiting for you
A lot went down during the month of May. I ran in the Run For Your Lives event, got pneumonia, reacted pretty violently to the medication I was prescribed, was in the hospital for a little while, missed all of my final exams, missed my AP exam, made up all said exams, and semi-finished school. My dad also went to Colombia for three weeks, and he will be home in a few days. So. Yes.
This summer I am actually going to be pretty busy. It’s not like last summer when I was always going away places, but I have a lot I have to accomplish this summer.
Different note: when I was a sophomore, I created a private blog for myself to document my college search, admission, and decision processes. I just found that blog again, and reading it was so funny. At that point, I still had absolutely no idea what I was going to study, or what kind of college I wanted to go to. I was kind of just closing my eyes, holding my breath, spinning, pointing and saying “Yeah! That sounds good!” I made a sidebar list of possible major/minors and they are…amusing. Some of the ones that I found most interesting are Yoga, Genetics, Forestry, Geology, and Fuck This. Haha…I really did not want to think about college at that point.
Now, I am pretty sure of my chosen …genre of study, if you will. I know that I will have some combination of degrees in Psychology, Linguistics, and foreign languages, which will most likely include one or more of the following: Italian, Spanish, French, Portuguese, and Russian. Honestly, the only thing preventing me from getting a quad major Psyc/Ling/Ital/Span is the fact that I want to study abroad. Otherwise, I could totally do it, but because I can’t rely on my chosen locations having courses that I need, I have to leave enough wiggle room to ensure that I will get all of my planned degrees.
The University of Minnesota has this awesome tool called Graduation Planner, and you basically map out your entire academic career class-by-class and see how things fit together to get the most from your education. Next semester, I will most likely be taking Intro to Linguistics; Intro to Measurement and Data Analysis in Psychology; Exploring the Universe; Italian Culture, History, and Society Through Film; and History of Media Communication. It’s only 5 classes, but because they are nearly all 4-credit courses, it’s works out to be 19 credits. Although, because I left so much room near the end of my 4-year plan, if my advisor thinks I should drop one class for my first semester, I’ll drop the Italian course. It’s the most inconvenient for my schedule, and it’s not necessary to take an elective for my major this early on.
I officially have 3 more high school classes left. We are doing absolutely nothing in English right now- just watching movies.
It’s funny…well, not funny really…actually it’s a little pathetic, but I feel so numb about leaving high school. And going to college. Like it’s not the kind of numb when you just know that at any second, something will wake you and all of a sudden you will FEEL whatever it is that you are suppressing. I genuinely think I am indifferent to this transition in my life. It wouldn’t seem so funny (or just, odd) to me if I weren’t reading all those Facebook statuses about “I’m going to miss everyone!” and “These past four years have been amazing!” and “I will never forget you!” I am not going to miss anyone, these past four years have not been amazing, and I will forget you. However, I experienced all of these feelings when I moved to NY. I missed everyone (I still miss a few…), those two years were amazing, and I will never forget some of the people I met there. I suppose I’m just numb because I have nothing to leave behind. I am used to changing things, and to leaving and explaining and being lost wherever I am. Being in a new place is not exactly exciting to me, but it’s most certainly not terrifying either. I officially suck at making new friends, so I guess I will just have to work on that next year. But I’m not nervous about it at all. I know that I suck at it. I have the small-talk skills of a spoon, but whatever. So I’ll be alone. I’ll not be lonely. There’s such a difference between those two.
My point is- this is much less of a big deal to me than it is to many. I don’t know how much I like that, but I don’t care. It will be good to have the same experiences as my peers, and to not have to explain myself. Yay.
Thismorning sucked. It just…sucked. And I cannot tell you how surprised I was when I found out that “thismorning” is not a word. “Tonight” is a word! What the hell. And lately I find I have been combining words like that, and putting an “e” on the ende of everythinge. I am not sure why. I noticed that everytime (again, should be one word. “everyday” is a word!) I type the word “whom” I put an “e” on it. Not good. Not good.
So, this morning (ehem- thismorning). Well actually I have to back up to yesterday, when I had sailing class on the Hudson River in March. Yes, this is the warmest the Hudson has been at this time of year in decades, but it’s still really cold. So during sailing class yesterday, I was wet and really cold and every single person was sniffling and shivering and the instructor was wearing SHORTS. The guy was wearing shorts and not shivering at all. I couldn’t help but start shaking after, oh, I don’t know, the second hour of watching him forget to attach the main halyard before putting the mast up. Really? Really. I know how to do very few things with certainty, especially things of the “assemble this thing!” variety, but I do know how to properly rig a small sailboat. I was a little surprised. I was wearing spandex pants and sweatpants, plus a tank top, a tshirt, a long sleeve shirt, a hooded sweatshirt, and a windbreaker and I was legit freezing. He was wearing shorts. Blew my mind. He forgot the halyard. Blew my mind.
I mean, we all make mistakes, and I am probably the most forgetful person you have ever met. I am not kidding. But…the halyard? I mean…it’s a little boat. There aren’t that many things that we have to do to rig it. Whatever…I will stop now.
So I froze. And I then went to the gym, and I noticed that I was sniffling while I was running. Then I went home and showered and my throat started hurting. Which sucks. Then I was feeling pretty crappy, and I went to see the Hunger Games with Marielle. It was alright. I’ll talk about that later. But during the movie I got so much worse and I kept sniffling. Then I got home and showered and was in bed by 1am, which is not good when you’re sick. It’s actually really stupid. But this is me…This is only one of the eleven extremely stupid things that I do on a daily basis. At least I met my quota.
This morning, I woke up, and I felt so much worse. It’s the kind of cold that really destroys your throat and your ears as well. So I woke up and saw the alarm clock- 7:28 am. My class starts at 7:30. I typically leave my house at 6:55-7:00 to make it to class on time. Shit.
So I threw on a tshirt and a fleece and some jeans and got in my car and started driving to school, then I stopped. I ran out of gas. I RAN OUT OF GAS. WHO DOES THAT. Ugh my God…I am such an idiot sometimes. It kills me. And…oh look a that- MY CELL PHONE IS DYING. Legit dying. So I turn on my phone and call my mom hoping she will answer, and she does, and becomes very angry (and rightfully so) at my forgetfulness and stupidity and drives to me and I eventually get gas and drive here, to Marist.
I have a gold card for Starbucks, so I get free drink post cards, and so do my dad and Sam. My dad gives me his sometimes, and so thismorning (ehem) I had two of them sitting in my car. I save them for really crappy days when I want a really large sugar free latte to make me a little happier. Today, however, my throat was hurting, so I got an iced latte. Oddio they are so good. It’s like…liquid ice cream. With caffeine. I swear…it makes a sucky day suck a little less. I now have 1:20 before I have to go to Calculus, then I have sailing for 3 hours. I hope I don’t freeze today. I am not in a freezing mood.
So I am going to write a mini review about the Hunger Games, both the book and the movie. I read The Hunger Games in one day- I just sat down and kept reading. I do this a lot actually…I’ll just start reading something and if I don’t have any plans I’ll just keep going and going and plow through it. I think this kind of takes away from the book though. I feel like if I took my time I would soak in a lot more of the development of the novel. Like Suzanne Collins did not write it in 6 hours…I don’t know. I just thought it was worth noting that I don’t know if I should to that so often.
Basically, it was good. I would recommend that you read it if you are looking for some interesting light reading, but I didn’t get super absorbed into it. Like Harry Potter consumed me. Twilight took over my life. Those two series really became something that I just could not put down. I don’t think I took more then three days to read any of those books because I simply could not put them down. Those books accessed me emotionally and really pulled me in. The Hunger Games? I don’t know. I just feel like there are two reasons that they are so popular: 1) Everyone can read them and mildly enjoy them and 2) Twilight and Harry Potter are over.
I believe that the mainstream literature of my generation will be defined by Harry Potter and Twilight. I don’t know a single person who read the Harry Potter books and didn’t like them. It’s just such a complete world that it’s hard to believe that it isn’t real after a while. I remember I was reading the sixth book around Christmastime one year and I was under the Christmas tree (don’t judge me) and it dawned on me that NONE of that is actually true. As in, magic is not real. There are no wizards. Wingardium Leviosa will never help me. And I was sad, because that world seemed so real to me. It seemed six books worth of real. And it’s not like it happened in some other magical universe, it happened in the UK. So HP really created a new world for the readers to attach to, but the Hunger Games just kind of…I don’t know. I guess I should finish the series (I only read the first two books) because apparently the ending is really crazy and maybe it will be more interesting then, but it didn’t really seem that great to me.
I think everyone can enjoy them because there’s a little taste of everything for everyone. There’s some romance, some action, some wilderness/survival stuff, some political 1984ish stuff, and a badass 16-year-old girl who shoots squirrels through the eyeball and eats them, and I think everyone likes badassery (aaahaa- that Autocorrected to brasserie) in their novels. But the problem for me is that it is spread too thinly- there is not enough of any one appeal to make it really attractive to one particular kind of audience. So everyone will like it, but I don’t how much someone can absolutely love it. Like in Harry Potter, there was SO MUCH action, SO MUCH magic, SO MUCH romance (well, romantic things that happen…), SO MANY different subplots that drove you crazy and sucked you in no matter who you were. And Twilight? There was basically just ROMANCE AND LOVE AND HEARTS AND HOT VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES AND SEX THAT LITERALLY BROKE HOUSES. That’s pretty much it, so the audience that Twilight appealed to (everyone’s inner romantic) just absolutely devoured those sappy stories with happy endings.
But with the Hunger Games, it just seemed a little formulaic for me. Like, “romance + political theory + murder + badass teenage girl + adorable little sister + survival = enormously popular novel.” The second is better in my opinion, but so many people only read the first one. Also, I know this sounds silly, but the first one doesn’t end with a happy ending. Every single Harry Potter and Twilight book ended with some kind of a cathartic (is that even a word?) resolution that made you feel happy. “Well not everything ends with ‘Happily ever after’!” Yes, that’s why I read books. I don’t want to hear about problems without some happy solution. That’s what real life and political science classes are for. So I think the Hunger Games just kind of ended with too many questions to make me feel happy about it.
About the movie- I think it was a lot more helpful in explaining things than the book. For example, in the book you don’t actually know if Seneca is creating the fire or how Haymitch is getting them to alter the rules because everything you see is from within the arena, and it’s all just Katniss’s speculation. But in the movie you see Stanley Tucci (Caesar Flickerman) and the hot plastic bag guy from American Beauty (Seneca) explaining things and shooting Katniss with fire. Maybe I’m a little dim, but I wasn’t so sure about how all of that was happening. It was to seeing for some concrete explanation. (I don’t know how that sentence made sense in my head, but it did. Hmm.) However, the one scene that I did find a little disappointing was one of the last scenes, when Katniss and Peeta are about to eat the berries. In the book, you know for sure that Katniss is just trying to be awesome and get one past the game makers. But in the movie, I don’t think I would have thought that if I hadn’t read the books. It looks like she really just loves Peeta. Idk, I guess it just doesn’t really matter but I think so much of the book is about how Katniss thinks about things that the book and the movie become being of different stories, so I can’t really compare them. Idk. I guess it doesn’t really matter anyway. Lots of people loved the movie.
I now have to go to Calculus, then I have to go freeze my ass off at sailing. Absolutely not looking forward to that. I love sailing, but please not today. Please.
Oh well. I guess I will just have to suck it up. Maybe I’ll get there early and rig it myself. I’ll be sure not to forget anything such as the one line that is responsible for making a sailboat a sailboat. Oh yes! And I am going to Minnesota tomorrow! That’s going to suck- being sick on an airplane. Oh, God. I really hate being sick for so many reasons. But it will be nice to explore UMTC, hopefully I will really like it. I think I will…
Adios, amigos. Stay healthy and do not go on a river if it is too cold to wear fewer than 4 layers (unless you are rowing. in which case as long as there is no floating ice, you’re good).
Hello. My name is Marissa, and earlier today, I was in a pretty bad car accident. I can’t shake it, so I figured I’d write about it and hopefully that would get it out of me. I was driving home from my babysitting job in the sticks of Millbrook during a misty rain shower, and I was going a little too fast for the rain. Yes, I was actually going under the speed limit, but it was raining, and I should have been driving more slowly. I had had a mild headache all morning, and I was about to fall asleep while I was babysitting. One late night followed by nothing to eat for 18 hours = a very useless me.
Then, as I approached a pretty serious turn in the road, there was an orange truck in front of me with another silver car ducking in behind him. After trying to jam on the breaks, but failing and hitting the gas, I swerved away from the truck and into a grassy hill. After a few moments of some unfortunate hydroplaning, my breaks failed me on the slippery grass, and I continued to fly into some bushes (I think…there were a lot of branches, but they weren’t trees.). I saw my car heading straight into a road sign, I squeezed my eyes shut, and my car flipped over several times. I opened my eyes to see shattered glass all around me- my windshield wiper was through my former windshield, shards of my former window were tangled in my hair, my driver’s side rear view mirror was dangling, and my glasses had slipped off my head during the tumbling. I reached for my phone to dial 911, but there was no service. I tried to dial my mother, but there was no service. There was no one on this road in the middle of the day, and I was alone, and possibly injured, in a totaled car.
During those moments, all I wanted were my parents. All I wanted was my mother to give me a hug, and my father to tell me what to do in this moment of distress. I, who so frequently boasted of my independence and capability to take care of myself and hold my own, yearned for my mom and dad to be holding my hand and telling me that it would all be alright. Today, I learned a lesson. I learned that I am not invincible, I am not ready to free myself of the comforts of living under my parents’ care, and I need some time to become ready. Thus, I decided later today that I will spend this year making sure I am ready- to leave my parents, and to be able to hold my own once I do.
After a few minutes of an incredibly fast heartbeat, some heavy breathing and a lot of shaking, the orange truck pulled up behind me and the driver got out and asked me if I was alright. He said he had driven up the road to where he could receive a signal and he called 911. He also saw the entire thing, and said I rolled over several times. I started laughing- which was probably the absolutely wrong response to the situation. I think I was just so overwhelmed that my instincts didn’t really have a button for this situation, so they blind-folded themselves and pressed “laugh.” Then I realized why I was laughing, and became even more scared. I then started to cry a bit, I think. I knew that if I was injured I probably wouldn’t feel it yet, so I kept looking at my limbs to see if there was any blood or any other visible signs of injury. There was nothing at all. For some reason, I felt like this guy didn’t know anything (obviously I was wrong) and something gave me the need to explain to him that I could be hurt, but I wouldn’t know it because of the adrenaline coursing through my veins at that moment. I just love how in moments of peak stress, I automatically assume that everyone around me is an idiot. *smh*
I waited in the car, and the woman that was behind the orange truck came to my window and asked me if I was alright. She held my hand and told me it was going to be okay, and that I was okay, and that help was on its way. I kept telling her that I needed to call my mom, but I I had no service. So she took my phone and drove up the road to get service, and she called my mom. She returned, and then a few cop cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance showed up. I kept thinking that something HAD to be wrong with me. No one gets into an accident like that and walks out fine. So a bunch of people asked me questions and I kept saying that I was fine and just wanted to get out. I tried opening the door, but the hinge was broken, so they opened it with some tool. My umbrella fell out of my door. I hope they put it back in my car.
I went into the ambulance and they kept asking me questions that I didn’t know the answers to. I felt so stupid. I didn’t know what they were saying, and all I wanted was my parents to be there to help me with this. My license was on the floor of the passenger seat because I had to take it out of my wallet to get my AHS parking permit, and my registration was safe at home in my bag. The ambulance took me to St. Francis, and on the way there I spoke with my parents. I was seriously freaking out. I just remember having so many things to say that I couldn’t get them all out at once, and then starting to cry because I was so shaken and flustered. The paramedic was really nice, and on the way there all I kept thinking was how lucky I was. Why didn’t I get hurt? I should have gotten hurt. No one walks out of that kind of crash without a scratch. But, I did. I did not have a single scratch. I then thought that some kind of divine intervention was definitely present in that moment, and I then realized who the face of God is to me. It’s CORCOVADO! I knew I knew it somewhere, and I always thought I just pictured it as a male version of the Statue of Liberty. But, no. In my head, God looks like Corcovado. And I realized that in the ambulance.
Then I was wheeled into a room in the ER, and my mom came in and gave me a hug. That was probably one of the most valuable hugs of my entire life. All I kept thinking about while I was waiting alone in the car, and dealing with the cops and paramedics was how badly I wanted my mom and dad. To finally have her there meant that everything was going to be okay. That everything was fine, that I was safe, and that by the grace of God I made it out of that car fine.
I know that others may have faced much more frightening experiences, but this was the most frightening moment of my life. And to know that I have parents that can dissolve all of that fear is one of the greatest things in my life with which I have been blessed.
Right now the only thing that hurts it my neck from some serious whiplash, and my chest from the seat belt. I will have a magnificent purple bruise there tomorrow, I am sure. And now that this is all out of my system, hopefully I will have a better sleep. Good night, blog.